My Christmas Window of Tolerance
Do I enjoy Christmas? It’s an interesting question.
I think my current feeling is that I enjoy bits of it, but I’ve always found the social pressures difficult, and as I’ve got older, and as Christmas has got more commercialised, it’s become a time of year when I have to actively manage myself. This article by Mind is helpful in identifying all the ways Christmas can be hard.
I acknowledge it's nice to have a celebration to lighten up a dark time of year, and with that in mind I’ve tried to find ways to embrace aspects of the festivities, but I do my best to keep in my Christmas ‘window of tolerance’. The window of tolerance is a model by Dan Siegal, and it’s used a lot in working with trauma survivors. I don’t have Christmas trauma in my past, but nevertheless it’s a tool I come back to again and again with clients.
Let me try and describe the window of tolerance. Imagine a window, and through this window you can visualise something that makes you feel that everything in your life is okay. You might imagine a holiday memory, a natural landscape, or maybe, a Christmas tree with twinkly lights. When you look at this window, everything feels managable. Tricky things may happen, but you can cope, Good things may happen and you can enjoy them.
However, sometimes, when life is difficult this window can get squashed; distorting it, minimising it, making it more elusive. You may know that your window of tolerance has got smaller by how you are being. These ways of being are described as hyperarousal and hypoarousal. Hyperarousal feelings are anxiety, overwhelm, wanting to run away or fight to protect yourself. Hypoarousal feelings make you want to shut down. You might feel depressed, or numb to what is going on around you. If you’ve experienced trauma then these feelings are not something you can control, they are likely to be triggered by emotional memories that you might not be consciously aware of. So, for example, if you’ve experienced a bereavement at Christmas, you might find yourself getting hyperaroused when doing something that unknowingly reconnects you back to that loss; maybe opening a well meant gift, but having a feeling of numbness and disconnect.
So what can you do about this?
One of the simplest, but not necessarily easiest ways of managing hyperarousal and hypoarousal is to be curious about what is happening when you experience them. This engages the problem solving part of your brain and may enable you to identify what you can do to help yourself. For example, if you have noticed that opening presents takes you outside of your window of tolerance, you might go on to recognise that you need to feel comforted in that moment to get back into it. You might achieve this by consciously breathing deeply and gently as you unwrap the gift; or you might imagine yourself giving yourself a hug, or you might feel able to say to those with you that it’s hard for you to open presents and feel able to receive their comfort.
Talking to others about how they create a Christmas that they can enjoy might be helpful. I love this article by Beacon House on creating new traditions. Things that help me to stay in my own window of tolerance at Christmas include:
- having rituals that are meaningful to me that show my love for others, such as making gifts for my family (see my attempt to knit mini Christmas jumpers in the photo!)
- not feeling pressured into present buying - I’ve negotiated with friends and family over the years so now only buy gifts for a small number of people
- prioritising events where I feel connected with others, such as through singing or music
- accepting that what is portrayed as normal at Christmas is not the reality, and at times I’ll feel lonely
- spending time on my own doing peaceful activities away from the bright lights, but at other times enjoying the craziness of the tinsel and sparkle.
- being aware that we all have different languages of love, and trying to appreciate how others show theirs to me