My Christmas Window of Tolerance
Do I enjoy Christmas? It’s an interesting question.
I think my current feeling is I enjoy bits of it, but I’ve always found the social pressures difficult, and as I’ve got older, and as Christmas has got more commercialised, it’s become a time of year when I have to actively manage myself. This article by Mind is helpful in identifying all the ways Christmas can be hard.
I acknowledge it's nice to have a celebration to lighten up a dark time of year, and with that in mind I’ve tried to find ways to embrace aspects of the festivities, but I do my best to keep in my Christmas ‘window of tolerance’. The window of tolerance is a model by Dan Siegal, and it’s used a lot in working with trauma survivors. I don’t have Christmas trauma in my past, but nevertheless it’s a tool I come back to again and again for myself and with clients.
Let me try and describe the window of tolerance. Imagine a window, and through this window you can visualise something that makes you feel that everything in your life is okay. You might imagine a holiday memory, a natural landscape, or maybe, a Christmas tree with twinkly lights.
When life is difficult this window can get squashed; distorting it, minimising it, making it more elusive. The two forces that squash the window are hyperarousal and hypoarousal. Above the window is hyperarousal - feelings associated with this state are anxiety, overwhelm, wanting to run away or fight to protect yourself. Below the window is hypoarousal, which generates feelings that make you want to shut down. You might feel depressed, or numb to what is going on around you. If you’ve experienced trauma then these feelings are not something you can control, they are likely to be triggered by emotional memories that you might not be consciously aware of. So, for example, if you’ve experienced a bereavement at Christmas, you might find yourself getting hyperaroused when doing something that unknowingly reconnects you back to that loss; maybe opening a well meant gift, but having a feeling of numbness and disconnect. This squashes the window, leading to feelings that life is not okay.
So what can you do about this?
One of the simplest, but not necessarily easiest ways of managing it is to be curious about what is happening when you get these feelings. This engages the problem solving part of your brain and may enable you to identify what you can do to help yourself when the window is squashed. For example, if you have noticed that opening presents is a trigger for you, you might go on to recognise that you need to feel comforted in that moment. You might achieve this by consciously breathing deeply and gently as you unwrap the gift; or you might imagine yourself giving yourself a hug, or you might feel able to say to those with you that it’s hard for you to open presents and feel able to receive their comfort.
Some things that help me to stay in my own window of tolerance at Christmas include:
- having rituals that are meaningful to me that show my love for others, such as making gifts for my family (see my attempt to knit mini Christmas jumpers in the photo!)
- not feeling pressured into present buying - I’ve negotiated with friends and family over the years so now only buy gifts for a small number of people
- prioritising events where I feel connected with others, such as through singing or music
- accepting that what is portrayed as normal at Christmas is not the reality, and at times I’ll feel lonely
- spending time on my own doing peaceful activities away from the bright lights
- being aware that we all have different languages of love, and trying to appreciate how others show theirs